The teenage years can be emotionally stormy and having surgery on top of that can be particularly challenging. Therefore we thought we would offer some ideas for coping, with the emphasis on showing your teenager they are not alone, and that his or her feelings are natural and normal and – most importantly – temporary, until their health returns to normal.
Identity
Teenagers are concerned with “Who am I? What am I?” and so everything they experience is likely to contribute to this shaping of their identity. What does an operation do to them? Does it affect their perception of themselves (“I am damaged goods”) or perhaps it reinforces their self-image (“I’m a hero”)? Obviously it depends on your teenager’s blend of traits and circumstances – self-confidence, family support, social position, etc. – and it is these that help give the surgery the positive or negative slant that will help build the child’s identity.
Scars
External and physical appearance is very important at this age. Physiological changes carry great emotional import – hairs on the chest, developing breasts, etc., and potential scars after surgery can have significant effects in the teenager’s life. Parents should show empathy with their child’s feelings and fears in this area. For parents, the main thing is that the surgery should be successful but for the teenager, that scar on their stomach could lead to moodiness and depression. In many cases, the scar can be become the focus of all the emotional turmoil that the teenager has been unable to process in any sort of conscious way. Questions about life and death, sexual functioning after surgery, are repressed and so it’s easier to express pain and frustration about the repressed topics through something visible, like a scar.
Fears and Moods
Adolescents have a set of values and beliefs that almost make them adults, but they don’t always have the tools, emotional or otherwise, to cope with situations like surgery and hospitalization. Your teenager may express opinions on certain matters, but may be emotionally overcome by certain experiences. His or her fears may be identical to those of an adult, but the teenager may not have the necessary emotional ability to accept them, or to transform them into something logical or positive, and so their emotional crises may be particularly acute. Furthermore, he or she may not know how to express them and so the family and the medical team must be awake to the teenager’s moods during their time in hospital.
Existential Questions
Adolescence is characterized by existential and philosophical questions, such as, “Why me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” which are liable to leave the teenager feeling guilty, taking the blame for his or her situation and generally frustrated. Parents should be there for the child, listen to the distress and try and give it space, even though their teenager will likely continue to feel alone and misunderstood in their predicament. Teenagers who have been through this say that the only really significant help they received was when they met with other teenagers who had been through similar experiences, or the same operation, and were happy to share their stories.
Adolescents from all over the country with Crohn’s and Colitis are invited to join our special coping workshops, which take place at the Shaare Zedek Medical Center, in the Center of Inflammatory Bowel Diseases in Children and Youth headed by Dr. Dan Turner. The workshops combine fun activities with group support with people who have been through what the youngsters are going through, or peers who are going through exactly the same thing.